


You Make Me Feel..

by instagrims (hermanwazlib), kalika_999



Series: Stucky AU One Shots [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Betrayal, Blow Jobs, Bookstores, Captain America Steve Rogers/Modern Bucky Barnes, Depressed Steve Rogers, Disabled Character, Falling In Love, Grumpy Bucky Barnes, Guilt, Happy Ending, Invasion of Privacy, Light Angst, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Making Up, Meddling, Mild Sexual Content, Misunderstandings, Not Canon Compliant, Oblivious Bucky Barnes, Self-Worth Issues, Shrunkyclunks, Shrunkyclunks Big Bang 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-01 07:29:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13993437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermanwazlib/pseuds/instagrims, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalika_999/pseuds/kalika_999
Summary: All Steve wanted was to take a breather, decompress after a mission and go out for a jog in the rain.  He wasn't expecting to hide out in a bookstore filled with new and used books or that the employee that worked there thought he was an absolute loser and didn't even realize he was insulting Captain America.





	You Make Me Feel..

**Author's Note:**

> 1.) Many many thanks to [Instagrims](http://instagrims.tumblr.com/), who made not only such a beautiful moodboard (seriously, it's so amazing!) but also a wonderful fanmix/playlist to go with this story and encapsulates so much of Bucky's side of things as well as Steve's. The collection is so perfect for them. <3 Please take the time to check them both out [HERE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14004939).
> 
> 2.) I also want to thank [StarSpangledBucky](http://archiveofourown.org/users/StarSpangledBucky/) for all the hand holding and everyone that cheered me on while working on this. (You all know who you are. <3)
> 
> 3.) Song title is from Cobra Starship because I love that song so much and it never fails to get me out of a funk.
> 
> 4.) Rated M just to be safe of the vague smootiness.

*****

Steve stumbled into the first store with an open light on, the sleet outside making it hard to see anything and he had already slipped once while he ran across the street out of the park. It just came out of nowhere, well okay he’s lying, he needed some air and decided to go for a run despite being told by almost everyone that it was a stupid idea. He _had_ to. It cleared his head and gave him time to himself.

The bell above him jingled when he entered, his eyes taking in the vast amount of what looked like used but also new books that seemed to be _everywhere_. They were in every available space in the store, including the shelves and in about every windowsill as well in the storefront display where an old but comfortable looking armchair sat and a small but thick stack of books on a small side table stayed. The base of the window was lined with more books like a border of literature; he had to admit, it looked nice. 

Drawn in, Steve makes his way around to the closest section which ends up being non-fiction and it dawns on him how he hasn’t had time to read as of late. Power hungry aliens were always trying to invade and wreck havoc or home grown terrorism and high priority threats that needed their immediate attention generally took up most of his time. It’s made him wary of starting something he may not be able to pick up again for a few months and now he has no idea where to start if he wanted to.

When the non-fiction makes him feel like he’s not in the mood for a bite of more reality, he ventures towards the fiction and finds little cards sporadically stuck to the tabs of shelves. Upon closer inspection he finds them to be suggestion cards; all the stationary stays the same but there’s a space at the top to fill out a person’s name as well as the title and then the larger area is used as a space for why the book was a favored pick. He assumes the names are of employees and it’s a little cute; one book being suggested kept the reader up all night because it was intense and held you at the edge of your seat, another one detailing how perfect the backdrop for the story was as it’s a real place in the world and placed you right there. Another is liked because it’s simply a childhood favorite that they still read as an adult. 

He stares at one card the longest, the comment saying it’s suggested because it will make you cry about a clown who’s a very unhappy and lonely man in the world outside of his job. It hits a little too close to home for him and he moves to the next aisle. Here, there are more suggestion cards sprinkled along but he’s struck by the ones that are blank. The only thing that’s filled is the title and author so it’s not mistaken with any others but there isn’t any name of who suggested it or a reason why. Their handwriting doesn’t match any of the others and it leaves Steve curious. He chooses one of the mystery person’s book choices out of random and studies it, unsure of _why_ they were interested. Reading the back, he flips through it but nothing exciting grabs him, still..he’s intrigued by it and takes it with him.

The large window at the front tells him the sleet hasn’t let up yet and so he has time to investigate this book further, wandering through the store until he ends up at the back and there’s a propped doorway that looks like it’s for employees only except it says rare books on the door and to help themselves in looking. Despite the door being open, the air is thick and musty, dust floating about that doesn’t seem to want to settle. A hand goes on his chest to brace himself out of habit but he knows nothing will happen spying chairs along one side, strung up bare bulbs offering him cones of light and he takes it, keeping himself as hidden away as he possibly could. Despite wearing a jogging suit instead of his Cap suit and a black cap with his black framed glasses sometimes he still couldn’t help feeling like he was exposing himself and took solace in the less trafficked area, opening the book to the first page beginning to read.

He gets it only a few pages in, why the story was recommended in the first place by the mysterious card. He’s sucked into the world and settled perfectly there, it’s a little uncanny for him but it makes Steve want the book for himself already. It reminds him of the past and life before and it feels warm and comfortable, something he hadn’t been getting out in the real world. He definitely has to buy it despite the sudden memory that he had left his wallet back in the tower.

When his pocket begins ringing, Steve startles out of his new world, retrieving it to see Sam’s happy grinning face plastered on screen.

“What did I say before you left? This weather is _nasty_. Are you still running like a lunatic in it, Captain Lonelypants?” 

“No, Sam.” He stops himself from making that scrunched up look his best friend attached said nickname to despite him always doing both in hand with the other, “I’m currently inside a bookstore to get out of it and I’m not lonely. I just needed some air.” 

“Right, because the moment Stark mentioned the words Tarantino and drinking game all in one sentence you suddenly decided you had to go take a run.” He pauses a beat, “So where exactly is this bookstore? I’ll come pick you up and we can go grab some take out, hang out at my place.” 

He hears Clint slurring something at Sam in the background and it sounds like they’re deep into the game already, well Clint seems to be. Of course, Clint might also be starting early because he sometimes did that too. Another person makes their way inside the room, head nodding along to music coming from earbuds, chocolate brown hair tied back in a messy loose bun and facial hair that’s a little unkempt but not in the bushy department yet. He’s dressed in a pair of dark skinny jeans that’s seen better days, scuffed shoes and an open sweater that he’s sure is a cardigan. A stack of books sit balanced with his arm pressing them to his chest while completely ignoring the presence of someone already here.

“I’ll call you later Sam, have fun.”

“Steve- ”

Steve hangs up and hopes his friend forgives him for it. The assumed employee is at the back shelf tucking in books in non-existent spaces that even Steve’s impressed he can find, face is blank like the recommendation note and for some reason he feels like this is the one that suggested the book. He couldn’t entirely put his finger on _why_ but he just felt it.

“Hey, hello? Excuse me.”

The man ignores him completely. 

Scraping his chair back slightly as he pushed himself out of it, Steve walked over, waving his hand to get the his attention, “Hey sorry, hi.” 

The employee looks over at him, blue grey eyes examining how much of a mess he probably looked right then, clothes drenched and dripping, bits of snow flurry melting down against his cap and off onto the floor. He realizes he’s gotten water all over the book from it and probably stinks like a wet dog or something judging by the way the guy crinkles his nose a little at him before he turns back to shelving.

There’s really no indication aside from the armload of books he had set down on a cart next to him that he’s putting away he was even an employee there. He wore no name tag and frankly his attitude left a bit to be desired. Still, Ma never raised a quitter.

He held the book up and waited until the employee(?) pulled one of his earbuds out, taking a glance at the cover, “Did you recommend this?”

Steve feels himself being studied, preparing for recognition but then the man just returns to his books, reaching over across his chest to pick up another book and it’s the moment Steve finally notices he’s missing an arm. The sleeve of his cardigan was heavy and dark under the dimly lit area, camouflaging it but now up closer he noticed why the stack wasn’t being held in his other arm all this time.

“Yep.”

“Why?” Because Steve really feels like he has to know.

Books pause, “Why what?”

“Why did you recommend it?”

He shrugged and Steve watched him tense a little over the questions. He wasn’t sure he would get anything else out of him and decided maybe he should quit while he was ahead.

“I have a question for you now Golden Boy. Who goes jogging in this type of weather anyway?”

Steve’s brows go up in surprise to the nickname and sudden inquiry, a sheepish smile twitching across his lips, “That wasn’t an answer to what I asked but to yours; I like going out on runs, helps me think better for work. Plus my friends were getting drunk and doing a movie marathon to de-stress.”

“So naturally you chose to go running in the slushy rain instead.”

The corners of Steve’s lips curved up and he couldn’t really help himself, “Naturally.”

“There’s these places called all night gyms, they’re fantastic I hear. Especially for weather like this.” The mystery employee informs him dryly as he returns to putting the new books away. “Plus you don’t end up destroying our sales goods either.” 

Not sure why but Steve likes him a little, reminds him of the way he sometimes wants to talk to people that don’t know how to stop talking..which probably is an obvious sign for him to get a move on. He gave the book a small wiggle, “I really like the premise, it’s got a setup that’s sucked me in already. I’m definitely going to come back and buy it so thanks for the suggestion.”

“Generally when people say that they don’t really have plans to come back again to buy said item.”

“While that’s usually true, for me it’s not. I just don’t have my wallet on me right now, unfortunately.”

Eyes glance over again as they study him a moment and Steve’s entirely sure he’s wondering who the hell goes jogging without at least _some_ money or a card on them. Nothing is said though and the guy only puts his earbud back in, returning to work and effectively ending their conversation.

Steve stares while he’s shelving books for a few seconds, completely being ignored again and he finally takes his leave and turns, making his way out of the room on through to the front counter. The girl beside the register gives him a bright cheery smile, a stark contrast to the weather outside.

“Did you find everything you need?”

Smiling sheepishly to her, Steve rested the book down between them, “I did but I kind of got your book wet. I’d like to pay for it, I would have bought it anyway so it all works out I guess. I just don’t have my wallet so can I put it on hold?”

He watches her look over the book and she nods, sliding a notepad his way, “It happens and not that we don’t trust you or anything to keep your word but store policy asks us to provide your info just in case.”

“Of course.” Steve agrees as he writes down his details, sliding it back to her.

She scans her eyes over it, glancing up at him before they dropped down at the information again. She pokes the words with her pen, “ _The_ Steve Rogers? As in Captain America? Because if you’re pranking us and writing down Iron Man’s address as a means to get away I’ll let you know now that he’ll come- ”

Drawing in a short breath, Steve pulled his cap and glasses off, fixing his hair as it went a little awry in the reveal, “Yes, _the_ Steve Rogers. The real deal, but if we could just keep that between us..” 

The girl, Jill, (once Steve finally got a look at her name tag) could barely contain her squeal of excitement before a hand flew up over her mouth to reel everything back in and the few customers too far to hear what she just found out but within earshot of her pitch going up stopped looking their way. A second later, riddled with color coded tabs and a bookmark with pink feathers, she was holding out a book that magically appeared out from somewhere behind the counter. It was the Avengers “official” biography that tours and gift shops sold; he took it in hand, staring down at the team’s wide smiles remembering how much everyone was pitching for the perfect pose or look. They stuck to a traditional group up and Steve was fine as long as they got it over with. At least Tony arranged for a large portion of the proceeds to go to charity which was the main reason Steve even agreed to it without putting up too much of a fuss.

“Would you mind signing this and don’t worry about the water damaged book Mr. America, we can donate it or something. You don’t have to buy it, I mean if you want to we can offer you a complimentary copy that’s in pristine condition!”

Steve shakes his head, taking the marker handed to him so he can sign his name and write a small personalized message inside. He caps the felt pen again and holds it out with a smile, “No, that’s quite alright. I’d like that one, I just need to get my wallet so I’ll probably come back tomorrow for it.”

Jill beamed, admiring the signature and small message before nodding enthusiastically at him, “Of course! No problem, we’ll see you tomorrow then.”

He waves goodbye and decides to cab it back to the tower. He knows Tony’s good for it.

*****

Trouble makes enough noise out from Asia that most of them are sent off to go investigate. The whole mission takes a good solid three weeks before they make it back to New York. It’s snowing once they land and Steve brushes the small flakes off that managed to dust over his uniform as they all make their way inside. He’s wrung out and tired, barely registering anything past debriefing, the only thought in his head is of sleeping in his own bed tonight.

It’s in the common room where Clint waves about a small cardboard package his way, “Look who’s starting to use the Internet!”

He frowns and takes it, shoving Barton as he walks by and from the sound of how loudly he hits the couch is to be judged, it was a good one. The frown however, it stays as he looked over the little parcel knowing all their mail gets screened for potentials but it was still a wary thing. He doesn’t remember ordering anything and he’s at a loss until he remembers the return address of the bookstore in small typed print on the sticker label, tearing it open. 

“Spangles orders books?” Tony pipes up from behind the fridge door. “I didn’t know he could read.”

Steve doesn’t bother answering because it’s promptly answered with a yelp of pain, Natasha appearing from God knows where to jab Tony in his soft spot before strolling away with the bagel he was holding.

“Hey! I was gonna eat that, Romanoff!”

She raises a brow in challenge and Tony decides to take the high road, leaning against the counter to try to get a better view of the book, “Seriously Rogers, what did you buy?”

“I think it’s a book. Not sure yet.” He waspishly answers back, stuffing it back in the brown cardboard shipping box. It was the same one he had when he was in the store.

“You know I dislike when you turn things around on me.”

Steve only levels him a look and heads off to his own floor despite Clint trying to wrangle everyone in for pizza orders.

Once inside the safety of his own space he pulls the book back out to look at it, fingers running over the uneven jacket cover, remembering how it was bubbling in places back at the bookstore. There’s a yellow post-it stuck at the top and he smooths it out.

_Sorry Mr. America! I know you wanted to buy this but we can only hold books for two weeks. I hope this gets to you safe, it’s a pretty good read and one of Bucky’s favorites too! Thank you for constantly saving the world for us and if you feel really bad about free damaged books come by and pick up another! You’re always welcome to visit! :) - Jill_

Despite how tired he is, the cheery note brings a smile to his face and now he happens to know the name of the mystery employee. Dropping down in his armchair he thinks that he’d definitely go back for another book soon, fingers running over stiff pages as he carefully pulled some apart and fixed them as best he could. He flips on through to the place he was last at only to find one of the book recommendation cards tucked away. The writing is different this time, the same as the one that suggested the book in the first place realizing it was probably Bucky writing him. 

_This is why we take addresses so people keep their word. Since we were going to toss it anyway Jill made sure to send it out to you, she has some notion you’re a famous somethingorother. Buy a couple books to pay off the shipping and damage if you really do want to keep your word._

For some reason, even though the note was kind of snarky, it still made Steve smile even more than he was. There was no one else that would write him a note and leave it unsigned. It was definitely from Bucky and he either had no idea who he was or he didn’t care, both prospects weirdly comforting to him.

He decided to pass on the nap for now, jumping into the shower to wash off all the dirt and grime and change into a fresh pair of jeans and a sweater, pulling his leather jacket over it with his hat and black framed glasses. Picking up the book, he tucks it easily into one of his wide mouthed pockets, making sure it’s protected from the elements outside.

Clint popped in as he was pulling on a pair of runners and he received a raised brow, “You’re not sleeping.”

“I’m going out actually.”

He stepped past him and heard the distinct sound of him obviously sniffing the air, “You have a secret lover, Steve? You know you can tell me. No other reason why you’d wash up and smell nice just go out in that snowstorm.”

Steve pressed the button to call the elevator car, “Uh no, I just need to pick up a few things.”

Clint eyed him dubiously, “In the snow.”

“Yep, in the snow.”

Rolling his eyes, Barton walked over to the candy jar on the table helping himself to some gummy bears, “You’re a terrible liar, you know that right?”

“Uh,” The elevator chimed and Steve raised his hand to wave, “Text me if anything blows up.”

*****

It doesn’t take long for his cab to arrive to the bookstore and drop him off, the place open and inviting despite how crappy it was outside. He could see through the window that there were a good number of people browsing or just reading in chairs enjoying to their leisure and Steve was definitely ready for some of that.

Jill was at the till once again, looking up something on the computer screen but when the door chimed she looked up only to beam, her hands clasped together excitedly as he approached. She gave him a small wave, aware of Steve not wanting the attention despite how wide she was smiling.

“Hello again, good to see you back safe even if the weather is kind of awful.”

Steve paused for a moment but realized their movements were heavily tracked if the media could get something and he nodded gratefully, “Yeah, it was hard work. Thank you.”

“I hope the book arrived okay? I swear I never showed anyone your address or even mentioned it to any of the other employees for privacy sake. Well, I told Bucky you were famous but he doesn’t care about those things, he’s kind of a grump. I hope his note was okay, sometimes he writes stuff down on the comment cards we can’t put out if you know what I mean.”

Despite himself, Steve smiled and shook his head, “No, well I mean yeah I got the book but also no, he didn’t say anything bad. Thank you for the book and I definitely plan on buying something else.” 

Smiling wider, Jill tilted her head in thought, “Hm, you could explore if you like, or use the suggestion cards again like last time or- ”

“What about Bucky?”

Now Jill seemed to be grinning, delight in her eyes and Steve wasn’t sure how to take that.

“Usually you can find him keeping the rare books in order or restocking somewhere away from everybody. He’s usually not the people person type.”

“Yeah,” Steve chuckled, “I noticed that.”

“He’s nice once he warms up to someone and hey, if you got him writing you a note that’s definitely more than a lot of customers get from him. Good luck, Mr. America.”

Steve gives her a playful smile and a nod before going straight towards the back where the rare books were located. Sure enough Bucky is standing on the top rung of a step ladder listening to music and quietly putting away a stack of thick hard covers sitting on the shelf beside him, one book at a time. He’s wearing blue jeans and a soft looking grey Henley today, as per usual the sleeve of his left arm is pinned up neatly and he’s whistling. 

“Hi.” Steve lets out, he’s not sure why but he feels a little breathless, moving close enough just to be in Bucky’s field of vision but nothing more.

Bucky takes a few seconds but eventually turns his head, his expression indifferent to Steve’s return. Slowly he puts the last book away and climbs down.

Tugging at his book, Steve had it in so deep it took a few seconds but eventually he was holding it up, cover jacket a little more twisted after all the water damage and sitting in such a tight space. “I wanted to tell you thank you, for the note and that I will be getting some other books while I’m here. Sorry about not coming back, but I don’t want you getting the wrong idea. I was out of town longer than planned. I really was going to buy this book.”

Bucky’s eyes study the book in his hand before glancing back at him, “You know, I had you pinned for one of those idiot juiceheads pretending to be smart.”

Steve smirks as he takes note of the obvious way Bucky tries to purposefully be an asshole but there’s something in him that makes him dig his heels in and want to stay just where he is for the time being. He’d decided the moment Bucky suggested that book that he would like him no matter what and it seemed to stick.

“I don’t claim to be very smart at times, a lot of my friends tell me I do boneheaded things actually; that I try to jump headfirst into danger if I have an urge to but,” He glanced at the book, “I like this story a lot. So much so I had finished it before I got back, managed to get an e-book version of it while I was gone and had downtime. I can’t always get the time to read but when something gets me interested, I can’t leave it alone.”

“Why?”

He’s not sure what he expects Bucky to say about his statement, though he was sure he opened himself up to more insults, he just wasn’t prepared for _that_.

“What do you mean, why?”

“Why did you like it?” Bucky responds, almost patiently.

“I’m not sure. The main setting, the eerie history around the whole place. The feeling of isolation and different moods that filtered through with the going on’s that happened with the family there. That was another thing, the family. That it was effecting the son differently than it was the father while the mother was trying her best to stay alive and keep them all together, sane even if it was a futile action. It speaks a lot louder than that, could be put into a lot of different contexts outside of the story.” 

There’s something in Bucky’s eyes that give him away to softness but the second it appears, it’s blinked away and Steve is left with wondering if he just hoped he saw it. 

“I guess you’ve got brains after all.” 

Steve bites back the urge to beam, “Do you have another book I could buy?”

Bucky takes an obvious look around, his hand softly gesturing a shrug before he turns back to look at him, “I didn’t know you were visually impaired, so sorry.” 

The more Bucky pushes, the more Steve feels intrigued by him and he can’t help smiling, “I’m not. Well, I used to be but better now. I’m just asking, what you would suggest I should read next?” 

Setting off for the door in silence, Steve follows after him not sure if he’s being led somewhere or if he’s being ignored once again. They both make their way through the store to the fiction and he lowers his brim a little more as he passes two girls and Bucky scans the selection before tugging out a book that’s nowhere near any of the suggestion cards. He holds it out for Steve to take, his expression still blank.

“Frankenstein?” 

“Read it?”

“No, but- ”

“It’s a classic,” Bucky interrupts. “Familiarize yourself with it, makes you a better person.”

“I hardly doubt one book could do that.”

Finally giving him a small smirk, Bucky presses it into his hands, “You asked me for a book, here it is. The beginning of many I would suggest, start with the basics.”

“You’re very sure that I’ll come back.” 

Turning to the other shelf, Bucky retrieves The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and adds it to Steve’s two books, “You owe us the sale of two books so you can do that now and I’m not sure if you’ll come back. Frankly, I hope you don’t so that you stop wasting my time while I’m trying to work.”

Steve lets himself smile as he looks at the books he’s about to purchase. He’s pretty sure by default Tony has a large amount of classics in his library that he wouldn’t even notice going missing but buying his own feels much nicer..that and being in the company of someone who has no idea who he is, is a little bit _too_ refreshing. He nods to Bucky despite the sour look he seems to be expressing, “Thanks, I’ll let you know what I think of them.”

“I couldn’t care less what you think about ‘em.”

“I’ll let you know anyway.” Steve answered over his shoulder with the books held up in the air as he took his exit towards the cash register.

He easily smiles when Jill grins his way and rings up the sale for him, “Looks like you can win anyone over.”

Chuckling, he shakes his head and holds out his card, “He told me he hoped I didn’t come back.”

“Like I said, he’s speaking to you. That’s a lot more than others get out of him _and_ he picked out books for you. Usually he uses his lack of arm as an excuse to pretend he has to work and can’t assist.” Her face softens a little, fond as she looks past his shoulder and they both watch Bucky retreat back towards the rare books, “He is really sweet and kind but after- Sorry! Rambling too much. It’s just, he likes being left alone way too much, I’m glad you’re getting through that thick skull or shell or _whatever_ of his. He deserves a friend, especially if it’s Captain America.” 

The books are bagged and she holds it them out, eyes a little hopeful. Steve finds his face heat up a little, never really used to how people come to believe he can do anything, put so much faith in him. He can stand up against a lot to help but somehow Jill looking at him in the true earnest belief that Steve could help Bucky made him feel raw and maybe for the first time, in relation to helping one person get out of themselves, he wasn’t sure he was the right one for the job despite not wanting to let her down.

“I’ll try my best. Have a good night, Jill.”

She raises her hand in a gentle wave, “You too, Mr. America.”

His mouth twitches up as he steps away but pauses, “You can call me Steve.”

*****

Steve reads the two classics whenever he manages to have downtime during missions, mostly in bed at a particularly small safehouse once he’s changed and showered and should be turning in for the night. Clint notices him doing it first and raises a brow his way but says nothing. It’s Tony that hovers around him and pokes at the cover like he’s trying to understand what the hell is going on, an expression of confusion on his bruised face.

“When did Spangles become a book nerd? Usually you’re asleep by the time you hit the pillow, what gives?” 

Steve frowns and shifts sideways so his back is turned away, trying to pick up where he left off in peace as Sam approaches to see what noise Tony is making.

“Oh, now I’m given the silent treatment.”

Sam purses his lips, “Let the man read his book Tony, come on we have to check that suit arm.”

Raising his hands in surrender, Tony rolls his eyes, “Fine, be that way.” He turns to Sam, “But if he says he’s retiring to become a librarian you owe me five bucks.” 

“He’s not,” Sam picked up the other book sitting on the nightstand, “Looks like he’s catching up on the classics.”

“But _why_? Is he having some sort of old man crisis?” 

Steve raised his head from his book, turning to look over his shoulder with an annoyed stare, “I’m right here.”

Tony pointed at him, “Yeah and you refuse to tell me so I have to find out from other sources!” 

“I’m just reading a book, like a normal person. Sam’s right, I’m just using my downtime to catch up on my book list.” 

Nodding along as he eyed him, Tony didn’t look completely convinced, turning to look at Clint now sitting nearby listening in, “Sure, sure. _Right_.” 

Steve goes back to his book and a few seconds later Tony walks away, he quits pestering him for the time being.

*****

Steve makes it back three and a half weeks later for his third visit after the Avengers manage fight off an invasion that begins in Moldova with minimal damage and casualties. He copes with it on his own and finishes off Frankenstein before heading back to the bookstore the minute they hit US soil. It was an automatic reaction now and somehow he was okay with Bucky glaring at him like he was something he scraped off the bottom of his shoe than waiting around for the team to ask him in various ways if he was doing alright, or even throwing out attempts to distract him with things.

Bucky’s there when he shows up, he greets Jill as she brightens at his arrival and points out the way, and this time he’s upstairs dusting shelves and wiping down small side tables beside thick overstuffed chairs for reading in. Steve’s not entirely sure _how_ he feels the second he sees Bucky is safe and in his own world but it feels good for some reason, not clear where the sense of worry comes from considering the attack was in another country. He just does and approaches him with a smile he can’t help but have.

“Hey, you’re up here today.”

Bucky gives him a tired, unimpressed look before turning back to buffing up the railing outlining the area, “Someone’s gotta wipe out the fingerprints and scrape off bits of gum.” 

Now that he was settled, Steve sits himself down in one of the chairs and waits with a Reader’s Digest left by someone. He notices Bucky looking over and then going straight back to work, a good hour or two passing before finally approaching him with Lord of the Rings in hand, holding it out.

Glancing up while taking it, Steve smiles at the serious expression looking back at him, “I’ve seen the movies. My friend Clint made sure I did.” 

“Read the book, you’ll appreciate it more. That is, if you can handle it.” 

“I’m pretty sure I can.” 

Bucky only quirks a brow up like they’ve set up an official challenge and for Steve, he’s definitely better than alright about that.

*****

When he gets back to his floor, he takes his new book purchase into the living room with plans of laying out and entering the world of Middle Earth, except there’s a black file folder waiting for him on the table and Natasha painting her nails in his armchair.

“About time you showed back up. I’ve almost done my toes.”

Parking himself down before the mysterious folder, he raises his brows towards her, “What did you bring me?” 

She doesn’t look up, adding the last touches of red to her pinkie nail, “Your new friend. I checked him out for you while you were away visiting him. He’s not a serial killer or anything despite his grumpy demeanor, though I expect that’s just a front to keep you and others away. There’s a picture in there of him with puppies that could be considered extremely adorable, I can see why you have a crush on him.”

“I- ” Steve rose up in a mixture of surprise and anger, “I don’t have a crush on him and why did you build a dossier on him? I never asked you to!” 

Green eyes glance up his way, her expression cool and casual, “You didn’t, but you know how I am, had to make sure.”

Steve sighs. Natasha Romanoff; spy, assassin, very close friend and a meddling overprotective sister-type.

He sits himself back down eyeing the ominous folder staring back at him before he pushes it her way across the table, “Take it back, I refuse to look through it.” 

A brow goes up, “Are you sure about that, Rogers?”

“Yes.” Frowning as he nods, “Very sure. I don’t care about his life, I just..like his company.” 

Standing up with that perfect grace Natasha has, she screws the top back onto her nail polish with a playful smirk across her lips, “And to buy books.”

Palming a hand through his hair, Steve’s shoulders sagged as he fell back against the couch and closed his eyes, nodding to her, “And to buy books.” 

She maneuvered her way around the large couch, reaching over the back of it to give his shoulder a squeeze, “Have a good night, Steve.” 

He nods, straining to listen to her barely there footsteps that he couldn’t really pick up today even with his hearing. It was the elevator opening then closing before moving away from his floor that told him she had left, exhaling loudly and giving himself a few seconds before he smiled to himself, shaking his head. It was only when he opened his eyes that he found she never collected the folder and somehow it came back to how it originally was when he arrived, giving it a glare before picking it up and placing it on the side table by the elevator making sure it was out of sight and heading to the bathroom.

After his shower he took himself through his nightly rituals; unpacking and maybe a little bit of clean up, a quick meal and once on the couch he was ready to start his new book, except instead he was in his sketchbook. Working blind, he soon saw Bucky’s face appear, hair soft, tied back out of the way and from his face, his expression guarded as he glanced off and away but it still sat open, full of mystery, like it was alright to be curious.

He didn’t know when he finally stopped, staring at Bucky for a long while after adding the shading and small details though not entirely sure how he got to even this point. Steve rubbed the back of his neck tiredly, staring away and soon his eyes stopped at the black folder again; shaking his head, he got off the couch and hit the lights, heading straight for bed.

*****

Steve gets through Lord of the Rings in record time on top of fighting HYDRA in South America with the team and bringing back some alien artifacts in the process. Thor cuts out to head back to Asgard to deal with Loki, Clint’s arm is broken and Sam needs his wings repaired. Before the Quinjet even has time to shut down, Steve changes out of his suit when he returns to his floor and gets into his ball cap and sweats. At the corner of his eye, the black folder still sits and waits but he only frowns at it, tucking the book into a satchel alongside his sketchbook and some pencils just in case the need hits him and he takes off before anyone can notice him missing. He doesn’t know why he has the need really, he knows why he goes but the drive is stronger and he doesn’t wanna think about it. Really, he just needs some air.

It’s raining tonight as he makes his way to the shop. Bucky is at one of the front store windows adding the last book to the display for some new fantasy story and the moment the bell above the door jingles, their eyes meet and he’s risen to his feet with the empty brown shipping box in hand. They both start walking one way and end up parallel next to each other and it makes Steve’s heart pound faster all of a sudden. He doesn’t know why he’s excited, he’s already here, slipping his hand into his satchel to produce the book.

“You’re soaked, do you know how to use a coat? And why’s your face look like you fought a bear?”

Steve ignores him with a wild grin, “This book, _this book_! It’s so much better than the movies!” 

Bucky rolls his eyes, he suddenly turns right and Steve’s following after him. Once some rifling through the shelves happens, Steve is quickly offered more Tolkien to ingest. He notices how Bucky’s eyes soften as he scans the shelf again, less hostile especially compared to the first day they met and he lets himself smile over it. Wandering through stacks, he also pulls a book about strong willed sisters in 19th Century New England and a story about a girl who rescues books from the tyranny of Nazi rule.

Steve raises his brows to Bucky over his new collection and the male actually smiles, it’s small but a smile nonetheless.

“You’ve convinced me that you can actually read, and quickly so I upped the game plan.”

Smirking smugly, Steve met his gaze, “Oh, so you had a plan for me?” 

Brushing past him to leave the stacks, Bucky tilts his head at his shoulder, “One I was pretty sure you would fail.” 

He watches him leave, sure that there’s this spring in his step that Steve likes, actually he finds that there’s more than that of Bucky he likes and he’s not sure how to really cope with it.

*****

A few months pass when he comes back to the bookstore, stuck in the hospital over most of that missing time after a building turns him into a pancake temporarily. Every one takes turns hanging around to keep his spirits up but it’s mainly Sam that’s there. He reads the Hobbit to him and they listen to blues and jazz together while he misses his random meetings with Bucky. Checking the news to see if they’re reporting what happened to him, he’s thankful they don’t really have any ideas. He has no idea how Bucky doesn’t know his identity but now he’s afraid of him putting two and two together and losing him because of it. He’s not sure really why but he senses that maybe it wouldn’t be a good thing.

He catches up on the rest of his reading while he’s on forced bed rest despite his objection about it. Fury is having none of it and Steve isn’t up for disobeying him, at least not for this. Not yet at least. 

When he gets home, the file is still there waiting for him despite numerous messages to Natasha to take it away. She’s being stubborn and he hates that he can’t trash it himself. He thinks about it while he soaks in salts in the bathtub and it still lingers as he changes into fresh comfortable clothes.

The next morning he shows up with two coffees and he’s glad to see Bucky working at the back of the store, presenting him with one and gets insulted over the fact that it’s black since he had no idea what he would like. To his relief he drinks it anyway, managing to coax him for his number under the pretense he would text next time. He wasn’t exactly sure if that was a false reason but he did want it, actually surprised that Bucky gave it up so easily but he wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. No way, no how. To top it off, Steve hoped his concussion wasn’t coming back because he _swears_ he saw relief in those blue grey eyes when he turned to see him approach and the butterflies Steve never knew he had were soaring around his heart. 

This time Bucky recommends two stories about dystopia, and another set during The Great Depression. He hesitates though, studying at his face and remarks how it looks like this time he fought a pack of bears. He places Charlotte’s Web on top of those books, almost kindly with a fond look across his face as he stares at it. 

“Thanks for the coffee, even if it did suck.” He says before going back to work again.

Steve knows with all his heart that he’s definitely smitten with him.

*****

Steve’s been back from his latest mission for almost a week and decided to lock himself on his own floor. Sam’s tried to come in and visit but he’s just not taking visitors. He keeps thinking about the casualties and a choice that had to be made between saving a handful versus thousands. He knows everyone has their own way of coping and usually Steve keeps to himself to paint or draw. Today though, he only reads and turns off his phone; if there’s an emergency they know how to get him.

Laid out on his couch on an ugly grey day, he finishes the ending pages of the last story Bucky gave him, pressing the book to his chest and hugging it. He smiles and absolutely understands why it was chosen, especially after the heavier subjects and though it’s a little sad he feels an affection for the entire story about love, friendship and looking at the simple things in life. It makes him think about Bucky and how he’s sure he’s just as sweet as Charlotte if he lets you in. 

Placing the book back on the coffee table, his eyes landed on the folder again; approaching it nervously, palms rubbed against the front of his sweats just staring. He winced, glancing around suspiciously now that curiosity was getting the best of him after being there for so long. Maybe a little peek wouldn’t hurt and well, a picture of Bucky smiling with puppies definitely wouldn’t be a bad thing. 

In a moment of weakness he grabbed the folder and shut himself up in his bedroom, locking the door behind him just to be thorough. On the bed he opened it to a brochure, news clippings and some pictures; one of a young boy nestled between his parents, a car crash scene, the same boy (A few years older) in a hospital bed, a graduation photo of Bucky in his cap and gown, the photo Natasha mentioned that gave Steve a smile, a crummy picture of a building that looked like it had better days and another of some empty building lot with a large sign to buy apartments with a sold sticker slapped over it. 

Steve recognized that building image on the sign, flipping back towards the brochure and scrutinizing it. It was a standard sales pitch flyer for apartments except these were strictly for people with accessibility needs; sunny and bright, boasting wonderful amenities, on-staff assistance 24/7 if needed, all the bells and whistles. He could see the appeal right away, not sure exactly what it had to do with Bucky aside from possibly wanting to buy a place there.

He shifted gears to the write up, standard for the most part until he got to the apartment building matter, skimming most of the information and finding out that Bucky was currently living in that ugly building that should have been condemned already. The more he read, the more he wished he didn’t. The new empty plot was never going to be filled and yet money was already invested by so many people, all of it currently frozen while a lawsuit was in place. 

Steve suddenly felt awful, invading Bucky’s privacy because he was nosy and finding out his investment was tied up with something he probably had high hopes for. The place was close to the city center and seemed great for him, he was sure that if Bucky wasn’t so guarded now he most likely would have been the type of person to help others, especially his own neighbors. He never had to help Steve with books, and even what Jill was saying, he could only imagine the stress and unhappiness of where he was living currently and sure could see why he was suspicious of dealing with people now. He didn’t blame him. 

Retrieving his phone out of his pocket, he called Natasha with a stubborn set expression across his face. She answered in one ring. 

“First thing, I don’t like you for conning me into opening that folder. Secondly, come over and brainstorm with me.”

*****

It turns out Bucky likes his coffee with an obscene amount of chocolate syrup, whipped cream and cocoa powder dusting the top of it. He watches in fascination as the barista creates the concoction with casual ease and then when Bucky drinks it like Clint drinks his morning coffee straight out of the pot.

They sit together long enough to have a tiny bit of small talk and he finds that Bucky rarely takes days off, he’s really interested in space and science fiction and that he likes spending his lunch time watching people enjoying themselves at the park. 

Once Bucky finishes his beverage though, he’s up again and disappears as Steve digs out his sketchbook readying to stay awhile lest the team needs him. Eventually Bucky comes back a few minutes later with the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy before he leaves again when Jill calls him over for help with their new shipment. 

He’s lost in the story, coffee cold and forgotten when Bucky sits in the armchair beside him again after he’s done putting away the inventory. They sit in silence and Steve continues reading, feeling oddly at home even after spending too much time on his couch.

“Why do you keep coming here? There’s the Internet and clearly you actually have the ability to understand ordering online.” 

Steve raises his head, glancing over as he mulls over the answer for a few seconds, fingers grazing along soft page ends, “I guess because I like it here. I trust your suggestions.” 

The face Bucky makes is confusing to say the least, like he just tasted something that he should dislike but doesn’t. Steve takes it as a positive reaction for now. 

The heavy stare of scrutiny continues to go unabated and Steve finally shrugs with a soft sigh, “And because it helps me cope.”

“With?”

Staring up at the ceiling, he’s not sure he should elaborate. Sure Bucky is here, actually asking him things. Interested in a way but in reality they’re still strangers despite what he knows about him because of Natasha’s meddling. It wasn’t like he could talk about anything that hasn’t been volunteered, he definitely knew that would just put them back to square one, guilt kicking in again for snooping. It was also the fact that Steve now genuinely believed Bucky had no idea who he really was and that either Jill had tried to convince him or decided to just leave it be. He’s a little surprised about that, assuming Bucky was very updated on current events despite a lot of images the media put up of him had him wearing his cowl. The guy seemed like he would have known especially because of all the merchandise the bookstore put out; either he didn’t know or he really didn’t care but Bucky seemed like he would had added that to his repertoire of insults if he had.

There was also the fact that Steve didn’t want to outright lie, he liked him and didn’t want their friendship based on false information.

“Do you watch the news?”

Bucky raises a brow, “Should I?”

“No, just- ” He hesitates to elaborate, removing the snapback he’s wearing to rifle a hand through his hair before slipping it back on, “Lots of weird things going on.”

Frowning, Bucky only shrugs a minute, thinking for a long moment before he peers at his scuffed, worn skate shoes. “Always weird things goin’ on, I gave up worrying about what was on the screen and focused on what I had to deal with.”

It’s cynical but Steve understands. He rests the book on his lap, folding his hands over it, “There are moments in my line of work, people die and sometimes it’s hard to deal with. Actually, it’s always hard to deal with but I just try to remind myself it could have been worse and that we tried our best and helped as fast as we humanly could. That we did save other lives in the process as well. When I get home I try to do something that eases the voices in my head sorting out the what if’s for me that try to constantly take over and I started reading for that after your book suggestion. That and, it’s nice here.” 

Bucky said nothing, Steve roaming a hand over his lips as he sat in quiet contemplation not sure if he admitted too much or went on for too long. He could see from the corner of his eye that Bucky was looking out the window at the cold foggy clouds and they sat in silence for a good few minutes before he turned his head just enough to speak to him.

“I lost my arm because a semi drove straight through a red light and instantly killed my parents. My arm was pinned and I was losing a lot of blood. The next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital and I had no arm and no more parents. That my aunt was gonna take me in because I had nowhere else to go. It took a long time for me to realize it could be worse and I could be dead with them, that emergency services did try hard to save all of us but there’s only so much you can do when they’re already gone.” He paused a second before continuing, “I realized I liked it here too when I found it.” 

Bucky stops speaking, Steve staring at him head on and clinging to every precious bit of information. He waits for more but as easily as it’s offered, Bucky recedes back to his default expression that’s always unreadable and gets up, walking away to go back to work. Once he’s out of earshot, impulse and just wanting to help a guy in need (Really. His current residence was a step up from the slums.), Steve contacts Tony in hopes Natasha was able to brew something up with him.

*****

It takes a few days in between projects for Tony to come up with some fancy way to make a portion of Steve’s money look like it was actually Bucky’s money, a stipend that was magically released while the lawsuit dragged on but the court allowed him to have. It wasn’t too big in lieu of flagging it as something Bucky may question, but just enough so that he was getting two checks a month instead of one and led him to immediately move out to something more comfortable and much more cleanlier. A bonus addition was Tony becoming too involved once he found out the building was created for people with disabilities and after some investigating he found the company just went belly up and never claimed to scam anyone. Still, people lost their money and he decided to get involved with a branch of his legal team in hopes of getting something settled sooner rather than later. Perhaps even picking the project back up in the wake of all the problems.

Steve was happy, Bucky seemed happy even if he didn’t share the news to him but if wearing a shirt that Jill mentioned was just bought and brand new sneakers were any indication, then it was good. Really good. Tony refused to quit teasing him about it though but all in all, Steve was pleased with himself and really, he wasn’t hurting anyone in the process. Well besides the fact that when Tony wasn’t around, he still had to deal with everyone else picking on him in some shape or form. Oh well.

*****

It takes Steve a two day trip to Peru, a gunshot wound in Australia and mutant flesh eating tulips in Holland before he can see Bucky again and it’s weird to see him smile the moment they see each other. He still works away from customers and screws his face up at the way Steve dresses like he’s about to rob a store but he smiles now and it’s gorgeous.

Steve can’t help himself. “What’s with the smile? Did you win the lottery?”

Scoffing at him, Bucky continues to shelf one book away at a time, the dark blue pullover V-neck sweater looks new and Steve’s heart pitter-patters over how happy he is that Bucky puts the money to good use. 

“Nah, I just..” He shrugs sheepishly, purposefully avoiding eye contact, “I’ve just had a bout of money problems because of this investment I made that fell through. Finally got something good out of it, no more thin walls and fears of roaches, if you get me.” 

The terse way Bucky spoke before seems to be gone and Steve smiles a little more. He knew the stress of not knowing if you had money for food or medicine, or hell, even the rent, that living in a state of squalor may be the only way you could keep your head up, didn’t mean you had to like it. 

“Well, good for you. Finally got that stick out of your ass.” 

Brows shoot up as Bucky turns to look at him, Steve meeting his eyes with a smirk and for once, he has no idea what to say to that, barking out a laugh instead that easily makes Steve follow after him with his own. 

When they settle, a few tears at the corners of their eyes, something seems to fall into place as Steve drops himself against the wall beside the shelf, grinning stupidly and feeling good. Bucky’s only able to shake his head at him in some sort of dismay, trying to return to the task at hand.

“I’m not the one that looks like he joins some after hours Fight Club. What you do, pick brawls in alleys?”

“I used to, when I was younger.” Steve says, almost accidentally, not missing a beat while catching his breath.

“Figures.” Bucky mutters, running his eyes along the spines of the books before him. 

If Steve didn’t know better, he’d swear Bucky sounded almost fond about that fact.

*****

They go like that for a little while. Their continued interactions blossoming into a friendship where Bucky makes honest jabs at him followed by a smile that tells Steve it’s all fun. Little by little Bucky fills in the blanks of his life that Steve had already known from the dossier Natasha had made for him; some detailed, some not so much. He gets bonus information, like how he wanted to actually work inside that building that was being built as part of the on-site management. He went on to talk about how it’s hard sometimes for people like him to go out shopping, how sometimes he couldn’t ignore the stares and that maybe he could do it but there were a lot of shut in’s that had it worse.

“I was just thinking, once things settle down, I could try to help out. I may be missing a limb but I’d like to think I’m a decent worker. I’m good at repairs, I could help with groceries, helping with special needs beyond physical. And the place isn’t just for adults, there’s bound to be kids too. I’d love to talk to some of them and make sure there was something there for them, you know? Sometimes kids only want to relate to the person who has the same thing they do, I never had anyone like that and I wish I did.” 

“So like a kind of handyman, delivery guy and poster boy for the kids all rolled into one?”

Pressing his lips together as he looks at him, Bucky contemplates what to say, shrugging a little, “Okay when it comes out of your mouth, it really does sound terrible.” 

“Not terrible,” Steve chuckled, “I was just double checking if I got it right. Sounds like a superhero.” 

“Not me.” 

Softening his expression, Steve almost reached out to take Bucky’s hand but stopped himself, squeezing his own thigh instead as he nodded towards him, “There should be more people like you out there, Bucky. I know we started on the wrong foot months ago but I kept bugging you, didn’t I and now look, all bark and no bite.” 

Raising a brow, Bucky gives him that look of challenge again, “I can definitely bite if you were into that.”

And oh. _Oh_. 

Was he flirting with him?

Steve suddenly felt his face flush, throat feeling tight as nervousness kicked in. At the same moment Bucky blinked, a little stupified, at himself? He opened his mouth to say something but Jill loudly cleared her throat as she came along holding a clipboard in hand and a pencil twirling between her fingers.

“Sorry Steve, I gotta steal Bucky away. Hopefully I didn’t interrupt anything!”

“No,” Bucky shot out, cleaning up his garbage as he hastily rose up from his seat. “Later Steve.” 

It took Steve a few seconds to collect himself, watching the span of space where Bucky had been sitting, his mind still trying to wrap around the fact that Bucky had actually _flirted_ with him and maybe, just maybe, Steve did have a crush on him but everything in his head was snapping off because he never saw Bucky even attempt to reciprocate until now. He also wondered if he imagined the blush on his cheeks before he ran off with Jill and all Steve could do was beam stupidly, cleaning up his empty coffee cup and picking up his new book before heading back to the tower.

It was a good night.

*****

Over the span of a couple of weeks, Bucky had placed a few more words of encouragement his way and despite being pretty blunt, Steve still felt hesitant on making a move considering who he really was. He chalks it up to their really honest relationship and the way he’s grown to appreciate every book that’s been thrown his way. They feel like extensions of Bucky, pieces of him he’s given in earnest form and hopes Steve takes good care of them.

He wakes up every morning to see them taking up more space on his once barren bookshelf and all they say to him is _Bucky_. It makes him smile no matter how shitty it may have been before he hit the bed, he’s also honest and kind, perfectly handsome with so many things they were similarly into as well as many things they were not but always open to checking out. He’s just not sure he’s prepared to lose all that if something were to happen while they were dating and he’s still unsure of when it was a good time to admit he was Captain America.

*****

It’s when they’re huddled together in coats on a wood bench outside of the bookstore at the loading bay taking a breather and actually enjoying some sun despite the chill in the air that something entirely changes between them.

“I’ve wanted to tell you, on the first day, you’ve got good instincts with books. I didn’t, wasn’t sure I would see you again and figured you weren’t going to understand.”

Steve turns towards him after he had been watching a pair of crows in the trees seemingly bickering at one another, “So you kept me strung along with books instead.”

“You’re the one that came back after the book was given to you, free of cost.”

“The books never brought me back even if I enjoyed them, it was you.” He admits without thinking about it.

Bucky’s mouth curves up into a soft unmistakable smile, “I know.” 

Swallowing thickly, Steve finds himself leaning in, his throat feeling tight, “Bucky, can I kiss you?”

Staring back, grey blue eyes sweep across his face before Bucky’s own tongue darts across lips to moisten them before he’s nodding and saying yes.

Steve hesitates for only a moment, then leans in and kisses him. At first it’s slow, careful even, like he was still unsure if Bucky really was allowing him to, but then Bucky returns the kiss right back. His lips are light at first, indecisive but slowly he presses a bit more firmly, more aware of himself and Steve’s intensity multiplies. Soon he finds himself less worried if Bucky is okay with this and more like he never wanted to be away from those lips ever again.

Steve heads back to the tower when Jill calls Bucky’s phone in a frantic panic wondering where he’s gone since his break was over awhile ago and they have to part. He can’t keep his fingers away from his mouth, lips tingling all the way there and no matter what he was worrying about, he can’t help being glad he took a step forward.

*****

Their relationship lingers that way for a long while. Steve disappears to help protect the world and texts Bucky on the Quinjet or when he has down time huddled in a cot. He comes back more or less battered and bruised, but doesn’t feel worried about it anymore despite Bucky still not knowing he’s Cap. Bucky questions bumps by way of some insult but he’s warm and caresses his face tenderly while they’re in between the book stacks and sharing little kisses.

There aren’t any talks about being boyfriends or meeting outside of the bookstore and Steve feels like they’re mutually okay with that for now. The space has become a safe haven for both of them and that’s definitely something they both understand. He doesn’t realize he’s not fine with how things are until he sees more people die needlessly and all that sticks to his mind is if that ever happened to Bucky, he’s not sure he’d be ready to move on from it and it hits him hard.

When they get back he goes on a run. It’s after midnight and no ones really on the streets at this time of the night if he takes the back routes around. He keeps trying to think of how they could have fixed it, how they could have executed things _differently_ but it kept coming back to the same thing. They did what they could despite losing more people and that answer made Steve so damn tired. It was never what he signed up for when all he wanted to do was help people and he knows they did help, they did but he can’t shake off the cost of lives for that despite knowing it would have been much worse if they never intervened in the first place. He still hated it on top of ignoring his heart beating for more than just living.

His hair was wet and sticking to his head, hoodie and sweatpants drenched when he finally forced himself to stop and realized where he had gone. The building’s lobby was lit bright and cheery for him but all he could do was stand there in awe, rain beating down on his head in thick fat drops and he didn’t make a move until someone was walking towards him with their dog, keys jingling and giving him an absent minded nod as a greeting.

“This weather huh?”

Swallowing as he avoided the man’s eyes, not wanting to be recognized since he had forgotten his hat, he instead pretended to pat himself down, “Yeah. Dammit my keys.”

The guy chuckled and held the door open for him, “I’ve been there. At least you can keep warm in the lobby while figuring out where you could have lost them.”

“Thanks.” He automatically let out, following after him before walking over to the small seating area and pretending to rummage through his pockets again.

“No problem, have a good night. Hope you find your keys.” 

Steve raises his head to give him a quiet wave just as the elevator doors close and begins it’s ascent. The whole situation was invasive and Steve knew he should go back home. He’s quite sure Bucky never gave him his address so there was no reason to drop in like this, in the middle of the night, well early morning, on top of it. Still, he was here and already moving towards the elevator because he just needed a friend.

Bucky answers the door after two knocks with his hair up in a messy bun and a pair of black framed glasses perched halfway down the top of his nose. He’s wearing a pair of shorts and a very over-worn, over-washed athletic department t-shirt that has a stretched neck hole which falls sideways revealing an expansive amount of his smooth chest and collarbone. He looks adorably cute and Steve struggles to swallow properly.

“Steve? What’re you doing here at- ” He leans back into the room and looks past the door towards where he thinks is a clock, “It’s 1:30 in the morning and you’re soaked. Don’t tell me you’ve been running again, you really are some kind of screwy.” 

When Steve finds he can’t speak anymore, Bucky sighs at him and shakes his head, gesturing for him to come inside while he walks off and disappears into the bedroom, sounds of him rummaging around before he comes back with a towel and a change of sweats, “You look like a drowned rat. Dry yourself off before you start marking the wood with water stains.”

This prompts him to finally move, pulling off his hoodie with a wet slap to the floor, he glances at Bucky apologetically before he takes the towel and rubs it into his hair.

“The bathroom’s in the hallway, go change. They’re going to be a little tight but you seem to manage best when you’re wearing things too small for you.” Bucky remarks, a bit softer now that he was out of his shock. “You could get sick from this, stupid.” 

He feels guilty not being able to admit to him he wouldn’t and he mostly avoids Bucky’s heavy gaze as he takes the clothes with a soft sound of appreciation. 

When he comes back out, he notes the few black and white framed photos on the wall and a small kitchenette and a tiny eating area by the window, the rest of the space is a sitting area with an entire wall covered with bookshelves, boxes still unpacked but sitting before them. Bucky’s on the couch with cups of steaming coffee sitting on the table for the both of them and waiting, no television to be found but a fish tank being used on a stand for one that’s sitting by the window either way. He sits down next to him and Bucky reaches for the mug closest to him, holding it out. 

Taking it, Steve keeps figuring out an apology that would be appropriate enough for basically stalking his sorta romantic entanglement to his home but he can’t come to one that would be worthy of it unless he revealed who he was and how Bucky got the extra money for a new place to move into. 

Bucky angles his body before he can open his mouth, his eyes careful like he’s hesitant and it scares him a little. “Are you okay, Steve?” 

The question immediately leaves him befuddled, undone completely and he can only stare back at that expression, that this person is worried about _him_. He sets his coffee back down on the table and he takes Bucky’s hand, tugging him close but it’s light in hopes he understands he’s asking for permission; Bucky allows him, leaning in and their lips meet, fitting together perfectly and Steve feels himself sinking into a kiss like a lifeline back to the world he wants to be in. The world that has Bucky in it because that seems to be the world he fights for now. 

They stay and kiss, slow and fond, his fingers getting lost in chocolate colored strands of hair that escape from the confines of a tie. Bucky’s own hand braced at his shoulder, palm smoothing along but he’s also the one that breaks their kiss, forehead pressed to his and lips lingering, tingling against his, palm softly pressed to his chest.

“Steve..what’s wrong?” 

“I just,” He sucked in a deep breath, words trapped in his throat and hands long gone away from soft hair instead tangled in the fabric of Bucky’s t-shirt, “You’re safe Buck, you’re safe and it’s all I ever want. To be here, safe and alright and I just _need_ that. To make sure you’re alright or I- ”

Brows furrowed in mild confusion, Bucky pressing a kiss to his mouth, “It’s okay Stevie. I take the train to get to work, I’m employed in a bookstore, my building is in a decent neighborhood now. My life is pretty low on the hazardous scale. I know whatever you do..from what I’ve seen, it looks _rough_ and you’ve lost people, I know that. I can’t imagine how shitty that feels, but you’re not gonna lose me. Okay?” 

All Steve can think about is that Bucky’s right just before his mind tells him he could lose him to aliens or Gods, or even HYDRA. He could lose him to stupid thugs going after the Avengers that don’t know from their head to their ass but could easily botch up a kidnapping and someone could die. It’s so terrifying and awful but it’s hard when he fights and fights and people still die on his watch, on _their_ watch. 

He holds Bucky, gathers him up close so he’s practically on his lap and Bucky lets him, wrapping his arm around and Steve is so very thankful for the way he just gets it.

Bucky stares intently at him and licks his lips as Steve watches, he can’t help lift a hand to run his thumb along the line of that lower lip and then he’s moving in for another kiss.

It’s this spark, a strike of a match that jolts in him and instead of being knowledgeable about the way Bucky’s lips feel, he’s repeatedly taken aback by them, gorgeous and perfect as Steve feels like they were made to match. They fall together like they’ve been doing, lost in their bubble together of affection and softness. He pulls away to catch his breath, then traces the lines of his mouth and his jaw with kisses and licks; it’s when he grazes skin delicately with his teeth that Bucky makes a small, needy sound and parts lips for Steve to sweep in with his tongue. He tastes sweet, a mix of hazelnut with lingering traces of coffee and Steve wants this all the time, wants to kiss him every moment of the day and be in his space forever, there’s nowhere else he ever wants to be. 

Reluctantly, he ends their moment to give them air and rests his forehead against Bucky’s, the both of them settled there and waiting for the beating of their hearts to calm down. Steve can’t help but keep his hand cupping along Bucky’s jaw, thumb stroking across his cheek softly and bumping their noses together.

“You’re um- ” Bucky mumbles lowly, still a little breathless as he collects himself. “People like you, they don’t bat an eye over guys like me.”

Steve raises his brows, drawing away just enough to look him in the eye except Bucky refuses to. “People like me? You mean the one you called an idiot more than once?”

“No,” Bucky flusters and Steve finds it endearing. “I’m just some guy and you’re..have you even looked at yourself in the mirror lately? _Geez_. I’m just this one armed guy that works at a bookstore, makes TV dinners _without_ a television and owns fish. I’ve got some issues that- ”

“Don’t even talk about yourself like that, Buck.” Steve leans in and presses another kiss to his lips, “You’re guarded, sure but I don’t think it’s a flaw. Just makes people put in more effort to get to know you and if they can’t well, they’re not worth knowing. Even when you were trying to blow me off, you still helped me because you’re kind, straightforward and real honest. Smart as hell too.” 

The corner of Bucky’s mouth quirks upwards, “Maybe too straight forward and honest, sometimes.” 

“Ma used to always say stick with someone who’ll tell you you’re being a fool instead of hiding it or trying to sugar coat it.”

“Smart lady.”

Steve nods in agreement and they curl up together to have their coffee and talk about the community of fish in the tank. Bucky soon complains about his stomach gurgling and causing him too much embarrassment, so they finish off a pint of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream together and Steve feels much better than he did before arriving here.

He rests his shoulder against Bucky’s right side, relishing in the warm solid body next to him, feels so good, so right to be here and he can’t help leaning into it. “I feel like I’ve known you forever.”

“Yeah? I was thinking the same way pretty early in.”

Steve turns his head and they kiss, tasting chocolate and he hums against Bucky’s mouth, giving his lips a playful lick, “You taste good.”

“You’re good with your lines, really good.” Bucky mutters out, face warming as he steals another kiss and Steve lets him have as many as he likes.

“Not lines though, just being honest.”

Bucky finally peers over and stares into Steve’s eyes, he tries his best not to blink as he looks back into grey blue’s so sensitive and unguarded. No one’s ever looked at him like Bucky is right now, no one that’s told him at least, as far as he knows. It makes his heart beat faster, makes him think that maybe while trying to bring happiness to this person he’s looking at, that they can do the same for him. That he’s not made to only fight the world like a machine until he breaks and he just can’t anymore. 

“Listen, maybe it’s too much too soon, but I can’t help the way I feel, and I’m just being honest.”

Bucky shrugs one shoulder softly, “That’s not it. I believe you, it’s just that- ”

“What? You look at me and think I wouldn’t give you the time of day? I got a message for you, pal. Look in the mirror yourself one of these days.” 

“Yeah, I’m a real winner.” Bucky mumbles, hand reaching towards the shoulder of his sleeve to rub at his stump.

Steve frowns, “Your lack of arm doesn’t define you, and before you give me some quip about it being easy to say, you know me enough to know that my looks don’t hide qualities about me that are less welcomed like my need to fight no matter how big the battle or- ”

“How much of a stubborn ass mule you are?” Bucky tosses in with a half smile.

“Yeah well, that’s true, I guess.” Steve says with a swallow, lightly pinching his side, “Let’s prove it, once and for all. Get over this hump. Show me your stump, let me prove that I don’t feel affronted over you missing it and see it on my face that I mean these things.” 

Bucky hesitates and drops his eyes away, “I can’t.” 

“Buck, if you’re afraid that I’ll be repelled, I guarantee you I won’t be since I’m not really blind to the fact that you pin your sleeve up and honestly I’ve seen _a lot_ worse than anything you think you’re hiding.” Steve inhaled a breath before letting it out in a slow exhale, “And if maybe you’re hoping this is an excuse to bail on me, I think it would be better to just tell me you’re not into anything serious between us.” 

Huffing out lightly in frustration, Bucky shakes his head, “It’s not the bailing out, I just have a really hard time. You’re not the first person to say the missing arm isn’t a problem only to turn around and tell me stuff isn’t working out or if I could keep a t-shirt on when we sleep. I get it, it’s not for everyone.”

Suddenly the anger to fight someone kicks in, completely washing away the need to be comforted as Steve thinks deeply about Bucky in those situations and maybe so deep in that he doesn’t immediately tell the person to get the hell out. He contemplates asking Nat to hunt every ex that has ever hurt Bucky in that way for him and is only snapped out of his thoughts when Bucky shifts beside him to pick up his cooled coffee and take a sip with a grimace. 

He nudges him, “Do you really think I would do that to you after all the verbal abuse I’ve suffered?” 

Bucky peers at him in a way that tells Steve that he knows Steve wouldn’t but it takes him a few moments to gather up some level of bravery to remove his t-shirt, halfway off over his head as he takes another breath and Steve rubs his thigh gently. The words to tell him he doesn’t have to is at the tip of his tongue but Bucky is a grown man and could easily tell him to get lost, he’s never been afraid of saying something like that before. That and, he wants to prove to Bucky that he doesn’t care, he wants him to see it on his face immediately because he knows Bucky can catch someone being full of shit nowadays, he’s pretty sure about that.

The shirt rests on Bucky’s lap and he sits nervously next to him as Steve reaches out and fingers softly trace against his throat then along his clavicle. Aware of eyes watching him carefully, he runs his hand along the top of Bucky’s shoulder and turns his head to meet his eyes, “You’re beautiful. Truly, you are.” 

Bucky just slightly shivers and Steve allows his hand to rest there, rubbing the crown of it before he slowly slips down feeling out scars and how it manages to just cap there, a little amazed in a curious way and occasionally glancing at Bucky to make sure he’s still okay with it. He keeps the contact very light, knowing how rough his hands are from handling the shield and chafing with his gloves and when he feels like it’s enough for now, he leans in and presses a few light kisses as his hand cuffs the side of Bucky’s neck to massage the nape of it comfortingly and ease the tension Steve’s aware he’s building there.

When he draws back, Bucky is staring at him in a daze and he plants a kiss to his forehead with all the affection he can muster, “Thank you for trusting me with that.” 

“Yeah.” Bucky says shakily as he tries to breathe and collect himself. His face is fully showing how surprised at himself he is that he did allow Steve that part of him and Steve can only feel a pang of pride over it.

Cupping Bucky’s face to get him to look his way, he smiles just before he leans in and presses a kiss to his awaiting lips, “You really are beautiful. I’m glad I met you.”

“You kind of pestered me.” Bucky reminds him, eyes blinking back a glassiness in his eyes.

“I’m stubborn, remember?”

Bucky chokes out a laugh that at first sounds like a sob but quickly dissipates, head turned away against Steve’s fingers and lashes wet. Steve only finds himself more enamored with Bucky like this, joining in as they relieve the tension together that lingers about and Bucky moves in for a deep kiss, swift and without any sign. Steve only returns it with just as much exuberance and quickly he’s relinquished of his own borrowed t-shirt, the both of them craving to touch skin and press against each other. 

Bucky ends up pressed back against the couch cushions as Steve kisses down his throat and leaves light careful nips and licks along the line of his chest, taking his time to suck and kiss each nipple causing Bucky to arch against his mouth. His breathing hitches when a leg is hooked around his and all Steve can do is press in, feeling the swell of Bucky’s cock rubbing against his and eliciting a sharp choked sound when he grinds back in an unsteady rhythm. 

He knows if he keeps going like this, he’s going to cum before they do anything else, and that just won’t do, pulling away with a push of his arms to give their bodies a little space, “We keep going at that pace, I won’t last.”

Freezing and staring owlishly up at him, Bucky opens his mouth to say something before he can even think of words, blinking a few times before finally managing to find some, “Been a long time?”

Cheeks burning, Steve helplessly shrugs, “I just..I mean with how busy I am and how I like to get to know someone first, I just never had time to fraternize- ”

“Fraternize?” Bucky dramatically throws his arm over his eyes with a playful sigh, “You’re so _old_ , Christ Steve.” Bucky _almost_ laughs along with the statement, a stupid grin already across his face that Steve frowns at and then kisses away.

“..As I was saying. I’m not a virgin, it’s just been awhile and I’m kind of old fashioned.” He pauses to raise a brow challengingly at Bucky’s minor snort when he peeks out from under his forearm. Fingers come up and brush away the dirty blond bangs falling against his forehead and it makes Steve feel warm and happy once again, “I’m only interested in doing things with someone I care about.” 

Bucky gives him a tender smile, the tightness in his chest an impossible squeeze and Steve has to exhale to give himself some breathing room. He loves him, he’s realized for sure now, he’s definitely fallen for Bucky and it’s so very stupid but he doesn’t care. Not one bit.

“I don’t feel so lonely now.” He whispered in admission.

Slowly Bucky blinks up at him, words falling and locking into place, a bob of his throat as he swallows and absorbs them, fingers gliding along Steve’s bicep, “I don’t think we’ve been lonely since we met each other.”

Steve leaned down and kisses him, looping arms around Bucky’s waist and pulling him closer. He licks his way into his mouth when lips part for him, taking his time and coaxing small delicate sounds out of Bucky as much as he can. 

When they do break apart, faces barely separated and hot air pressing into each other’s skin, all Steve can do is stare, absolutely mesmerized by this person before him, “I don’t know who could look at you and just say no.”

Bucky laughs, and it sounds like it’s been startled out of him, his mouth forming a grin against Steve’s. He makes sure his arm is firmly secure around Steve’s neck and goes in for another kiss, Steve obliging him as he allows himself be tugged down with a soft sound, hands roaming across Bucky’s stomach and rubbing lazy circles along his hipbones with his thumbs.

When Steve gets his mouth along Bucky’s neck, he’s rewarded with small incoherent sounds over it, peppering bruises in all the way down to his collarbone and moving to do the same against his shoulder so he would be covered with them, not able to stop himself.

Eventually, despite his thoughts moving foggy and slow, his brain comes back online enough to wonder if they should move this somewhere less open and more private, his throat suddenly feeling too dry, “Bedroom?” 

Bucky seems to struggle coming back as well, nodding to him as he pulls away to slide out from under after a haze seems to clear. In the midst of their short trip, they’re already out of everything but their underwear, falling into bed together while still locked away in a needy breathless kiss they started on their way, legs tangled together and Steve’s fingers pressing hard against heated skin.

Somehow in the midst of it all, Bucky ends up straddling him and Steve looks up in a stupor. The tie is long gone and Bucky’s hair is a mess, face flushed as he smiles down and Steve feels all the words just sit in his throat not letting him speak. 

“Perfect.” He finally manages to croak out and his heart almost bursts the way he swears Bucky goes a darker shade of red over it.

“Come on.” Bucky mumbles out with a roll of his eyes, but he’s smiling as he leans in for another kiss, pressing their shoulders together to balance himself while he tugs down boxer briefs and with a little assistance, Steve soon finds himself naked in Bucky’s bed. They’re still kissing as he kicks his underwear somewhere to the floor and a hand wraps around him, leaving him lost for words and groaning into Bucky’s mouth. 

At first he lets his head fall back, short pants of breath escaping but somewhere in their moment together when Steve feels that tight sensation pooling in his belly again, he stops getting lost in the sensations of being stroked off and manages to proceed in taking Bucky’s boxer briefs off. He watches as they were hastily shoved down long legs when Bucky gets with the program and then sits beside him to get out of them completely, a small amount of disappointment that his hand has gone away from his dick but then again, Steve’s also glad for the relief. 

He knows he’s staring outright after, stupidly from the way Bucky smiles sweetly to him, he’s seen Tony take enough pictures of the expression he makes to know how it looks. He goes to get up but one gentle push puts him back against the sheets and Bucky’s leaning in to press kisses down his neck and against his chest. All Steve can really do is wrap an arm around him to keep him close while trying to ease the race of his heart.

So busy thinking about how amazing Bucky really is, it doesn’t completely register what could happen next until he feels a nip to his thigh and dark eyes stare up at him through long sooty lashes before Bucky’s mouth is taking him in, Steve biting back the urge to make some stupid sound of surprise and struggles to take another breath.

Every thought, worry or emotion collectively stirring in Steve’s mind suddenly doesn’t matter when his brain shorts out and Bucky is doing things with his mouth that he definitely didn’t know he could do despite how blunt he was at other times. The new discovery’s got him reeling and he can’t take his eyes off the bob of Bucky’s head taking him with practiced ease and a zeal he can barely understand. He’s instantly embarrassed when he knows this is definitely not helping him from going off prematurely and Bucky’s really good at doing what he’s doing so he’s forced to tap out before it’s too late. He’s also aware he has a quick recovery period but one surprise at a time.

Bucky pulls off with an obscene wet pop, lifting his head as he wears a intentional smirk, knowing exactly what he was doing to him. He wipes the back of his hand to his mouth like a cat that’s gotten the cream and Steve just wants revenge, so he does, flipping Bucky onto his back and pressing kisses against his skin.

He knew he was a little rusty with getting to know someone else’s body, maybe by a few years, but he was only encouraged by every breathy moan and each demanding tug of his hair. If he had any idea what it would be like with Bucky, any thought at all lingering in the recesses of his mind before tonight, the reality was nothing like it and he was glad to finally have a chance with him because it was so much better like this, lost in his orbit.

Every time Bucky moans out his name, Steve wants more, hungry for the sounds spilling out of his mouth as he takes his time and puts in the effort to map out every inch of bare skin beneath him. Their mouths come together when their bodies do and Steve didn’t know how much he needed this, just this with Bucky, the sweaty stickiness of their bodies as they kissed each other like they were always supposed to belong together and maybe, just maybe they do. 

He knows he’s falling apart, staring down into dark eyes that peer back at him and Bucky’s in pieces already, the rock of their bodies moving in a slow, languid rhythm despite how it’s making them both lose themselves deeper into their abyss. There was just no hurry, no urgency to speed up, yearning to keep what they had for as long as they could have it and only ready to let go when they were both spent and exhausted. They were too content to have anything else bleed into their minds when all they both wanted was to share their time in perfect simplicity together.

*****

Steve knows it’s still early in the morning and maybe only a couple hours later when he finds himself waking up in the darkness. He can hear Bucky breathing close to his ear, cuddled against his body and so warm, Steve finds himself fondly ghosting fingers along the smoothness of Bucky’s skin before pressing a kiss to his forehead. They had made hasty work of cleaning each other up before succumbing to sleep but now he had the urge to get in a shower, knowing he wasn’t going to be able to sleep again any time soon though he did want to stay cuddling. He wondered if he could get away with a shower then sliding back into bed for a few more hours of snuggling, maybe make a little breakfast or running out for something before Bucky awoke. He really wanted to spend some of the day with him before either of their jobs called them away, fingers grazing along strands of brown hair.

He managed to carefully sneak out of the bedroom with very little disturbance to Bucky, not being able to help himself when he presses a kiss to his forehead. On the way to the bathroom, he pulls his underwear back on after retrieving it from off the floor and sets off for a hot shower.

Staring at himself in the mirror afterwards, towel sitting low at his hips, Steve felt out the love bites and marks that he was aware would soon fade from his skin. There’s hope they stay long enough so Bucky can appreciate them while he admires the ones on his skin and he feels so happy and dumb, not cluing in on the main reason as to why entirely until he sees his reflection full on. Has he ever been so deeply enamored with someone like this? He doesn’t think so and he’s sure that if his hand doesn’t press to his chest, his heart was going to tear out from the excitement of it. 

He steps out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom only to see Bucky’s bare back facing him as he leaned towards the night stand with his boxers already pulled on hastily. Steve's return causes Bucky to turn around and it’s the tears shining in his eyes that causes him to stop moving entirely. The sweats Bucky had tucked under his armpit fall away while in his hand he's holding Steve’s _unlocked phone_ , open to a chat conversation. 

“Buck?”

“You got a text from your _boyfriend_!”

The phone goes flying towards his face and he catches it easily enough, his peripheral vision noting Bucky gathering up clothing to pull on as his eyes scan the message to see what he’s yelling about. 

_Carry that spectacular ass back to my place with your shield, got some kinks to fix up and rub out before we head out with the big guns if you catch my drift. ;) Bruce isn’t here to be my lab date until we all get together for bonding time so don’t leave me hanging all by my lonesome Captain Handsome._

Shit.

If Tony could have been even more helpful..

“Look, I can explain- ”

He raised his head and ducked just in time to avoid the alarm clock flying by his head.

“Explain _what_ , Steve?! Sorry _Captain Handsome_ , with the spectacular ass of course! Explain that I’m just some loser you strung along and wanted to fool around with- ”

“Bucky!” His voice grew firm and authoritative, feeling the heaviness of his frustration that he had to pull out his Captain America to get him to stop and there was a slight flinch in Bucky’s demeanor. Hurt and pain etched in glassy eyes as he stood beside the bed, his arm folding over his chest and it hurt Steve to see him so upset. He approached carefully, stopping himself at the end of the bed, “I would never take advantage of you or anyone else. Tony is a friend of mine and just a friend. He always talks like that..”

There was a delayed response and for once, Bucky had nothing to throw back at him for a moment. His jaw clenched, stepping back and away, “Then what about that shield comment, isn’t that some euphemism for condoms?”

“What? Condoms?” He drew his brows together, “No, nothing like that. It’s literally my- ” He froze and their eyes met, swallowing thickly. Bucky caught the action, of course he did and his hand shot up to stop him as Steve put his hands up in a plea.

“ _Don’t_ come any closer, I’m warning you. What are you hiding?” Bucky’s voice wavered, rising as he strained to keep it in check, “Tell me the truth, Steve!” 

He knew he had to tell Bucky at some point, he just didn’t think it would be here, like this. Watching the person he wanted most practically backed into the corner of the room like an animal while emotions quarreled back and forth from pain and anger. He knew it was the right thing to do but he suddenly worried about how many months he had held that bit away of him because all he wanted to be was a normal guy talking to another normal guy.

“Buck, Tony is Tony Stark,” He paused when he saw a slight note of familiarity across his face, “and yes, _that_ Tony Stark who is also Iron Man.” He drew in a slow nervous breath, dropping his gaze towards the wood flooring where a scrap of clothing stood by his feet, “Why I wore baseball hats and glasses, why I really only talked to you inside the bookstore and away from most of the customers was because my last name is Rogers, as in Captain America. I should have probably told you but it was nice that someone didn’t know me for being Cap, just talking to me like a regular guy. Tony’s text was about my actual shield. I just came back from a mission and he wants to fix something with it. That’s the honest truth.”

The silence was deafening between them and Steve wondered if he should explain about the money as well, unsure of how that would be taken as eyes continued piercing through him and he had a feeling Bucky wasn’t sure what his odds of getting away from some crazy guys was.

“I’m being honest with you, please believe me. That extra money that came your way, um..Natasha, I mean Black Widow, when she knew we were speaking and I was getting to know you. She told me you were living in a really bad place and I knew you would never accept money from me. So I had asked Tony to figure out a way to give you the money without you knowing I was. I’m sorry Buck, I am but I just wanted to help an- ”

“Wait, wait.” Bucky stared off as he thought carefully, eyes narrowing as he did, “So on top of being Captain America of the _Avengers_ , you _faked_ documents so I would take your money? You were being some kind of invisible _Superhero Sugar Daddy_? Are you fucking kidding me?!”

Steve’s brows struck together in confusion all of a sudden, “A Sugar what? What the hell is a Sugar Daddy? And technically Tony faked documents, not me.”

Bucky ignored him to get to his phone, Steve bracing for 911 to answer on the other end but Bucky looked way beyond annoyed as he stared up at the ceiling, more like he was speaking to someone he knew. After a few tense moments of what he assumed was the phone ringing someone answered and he glared his way, Steve dropping his eyes back towards his hands.

“Is he really Cap?” There was a pause and Bucky sighed, still fighting to keep himself composed despite his barefoot tapping continuously against the floor, “I know it’s early but Jill, tell me the truth. Did you know who Steve was?”

Steve wondered if he should get dressed, carefully picking up the sweatpants Bucky had given him unsure if he should put them on but he figured against it, opting for his only slightly damp now sweats, it would be only proper.

“Great, thank you. No, I’m not doing something stupid. Bye.”

A wave of relief ran over Steve at those words, feeling his shoulders relax as he pulled on the t-shirt he came in wearing and found Bucky still staring at him like he was a whole new person.

“Buck, I- ”

Bucky pointed in the direction of his front door, “Get out.”

A sudden dread hits Steve at his core, “Buck.”

Swallowing thickly, Bucky’s expression remained tight. He drew in a long tense breath, avoiding anymore eye contact, “Get out before I call the police. I don’t ever want to talk to you again.”

“Bucky, please. Come on, you _know_ me. Everything else is true, I’m me, I’m Steve! Cap is just the guy who saves people, who helps with the bad but underneath it all it’s just Steve Rogers, the guy you wanna make fun of and spend time with.”

Bucky didn’t budge, stepping forward with an angry gaze. “I don’t know who you are. You lied to me and you’re a superhero! God that’s so rich, I must have been a huge joke to all of you.”

Steve attempted to step forward but Bucky’s body language told him it was a terrible idea to follow through with, his shoulders dropping as he backed off, not wanting to make this situation worse than it already was.

The second he steps out of the apartment, the door is slammed in his face and Steve listened to the finality of it as the pair of locks turned, twisting something in his chest, he was miserable. Reaching up with a fist to knock on the door after a few seconds in hopes maybe Bucky was only trying to scare him, all Steve could hear was him mumbling that he couldn’t believe he was so stupid and there’s a drag of hesitating footsteps before they pick up and moved away from the front, heading to what seemed like the bedroom. 

The stubborn part of him wanted to stick around and wait it out, explain properly but he also knew Bucky enough to know that wouldn’t work, fist unfurling and flatting against the frame of the doorway and dropping his forehead against the wood with a dull thud. He had no time to dwell though, phone vibrating with another text and now Sam was attempting to get a hold of him. He looked over himself, dampened clothing only encouraging his unhappy mood and he took one last look towards the apartment in desperate hope despite knowing it was useless. 

He had to head back, the team needed him.

*****

The first week is the hardest.

Steve tried sending a text or maybe five in vain before they took off on another mission and when they were coming back he wasn’t surprised to find they were neither answered nor read. He kept his phone on at times when he usually silenced it and carried it with him to the bathroom when before he would just leave it in the sitting room or in the kitchen. 

Nothing new ever came through and instead Steve found himself laying out on his couch, reading the random texts that Bucky had sent him before everything went to hell in a hand basket. The more he stared at them, the more he felt unhappy over them, replaying the whole blow up and wishing he had been honest with Bucky before they had gotten intimate. It was his fault, he had met him with high defenses, he was stupid not to foresee that reaction and yet here he was alone on his floor and not even at his best on the field when he was trying to save the world from whatever problem came to it. 

He missed Bucky so badly, so much so that he could barely even sleep during that time, instead he sketched the same face that haunted him in his dreams. Page after page by memory of the person he was sure he had completely fallen for and in one fail swoop was gone. All Steve could do was berate himself for hiding his true identity while he pounded fists into reinforced punching bags to try and calm down but his mind kept goading him on, telling him if only he had played it out differently, stopped hiding himself the moment Bucky began opening up to him. If he had Bucky would probably be curled up at his side right now, making some remark about how they both couldn’t fit on the couch because Steve was built like a brick house and Bucky could barely fit in the space while he found himself laughing about it. But Bucky wasn’t around, he hated him.

At some point, Steve wasn’t even sure what day it was anymore, he only cared about being Captain America to help out the team and then hid away on his floor asking to be left alone though Sam came by to drop him visits. A little of Steve automatically assumed he would have some sort of speech about living and learning and there would be plenty more fish in the sea but neither came, he simply worried about him and maybe a little of Bucky too because of how big of a reveal that probably was for him. 

It was different, Steve not craving company but feeling his shoulders ease the moment Sam joined him on the couch and reached out with a soft pat to his shoulder, apologizing for the outcome. They hung out in relative silence, only breaking that when Sam would speak out loud for food or drinks not expecting a response which he never received and they were okay that way, Steve appreciated him being there. Clint would drop by with pizza and to steal more gummy bears at random intervals as well, Steve supposed Natasha had told him to even though he was sure Clint did care just as much. The next day Nat came by to nonchalantly talk about nothing and everything as Steve tried to read and Bruce dropped by with some new books he procured once he had an idea of what Bucky’s theme had been with what would be good reads from the classics. 

The second week is even worse.

Tony’s show-and-tell of new tech almost blows up Steve’s entire floor and after Rhodey and Pepper show up to bodily escort the man out, all Steve can do is collapse in his bed and he’s out before he even notices. It’s unhelpful when all he dreams about is Bucky and the bookstore and how happy he was there or dreams about making up with Bucky in his arms like he wants. He tries to read one of the new books Bruce brought but he’s officially lost all interest to read. The fridge is stocked full of things he knew by heart that Bucky liked in some messed up self-torture for himself on top of losing his appetite completely and not being able to bring himself to getting rid of anything so that it’s out of sight and out of mind. He just..can’t. 

Thor comes back to Earth and usually Steve’s glad to see him but this time around he can’t even look him in the eye when he has to pass on their continued sit together to read the Harry Potter series. Luckily, Natasha manages to somehow wrangle everyone to drop by on him and they all sit on the floor like some kind of reading group set up without any complaints or gripes. Steve listens but he lays out on the couch with his back turned to the group and no one calls him out for it, not even Tony. As he vaguely listens to the chapters being read, he begins to get some of the references Bucky makes from the characters and it hurts his heart, rendering him incapacitated for most of the session. He wants to be alone but he likes the company too, he misses Bucky so much and hopes he’s safe.

The third week was actually quite good.

Food tastes disgusting and he has no need despite how much fuel his body burns off. He eats to survive but he’s more distracted than the past two weeks. He can’t sleep either, the nightmares coming back in full force over people that didn’t make it, begging for help or the missions that were really terrible. Every time he closes his eyes he’s seeing faces, hears their screams for someone to help. Familiar smells he hates invade his senses and he opts to work out or sit by the window and draw the one person that managed to help him compartmentalize it all better.

At least pain was something he knew, told him that if he could still feel it, he was alive. Sure he was more distracted on missions but they were good distractions, he did things that challenged him usually, if he was fool-headed before, he was more so now and he didn’t really care. Things got done and they were done much better no matter how much the team protested over it. 

Like he said, the third week was quite good.

Natasha would occasionally drop by to have small talk, more so accessing him while speaking and Steve occasionally answered her in full sentences and not in small grunts as he pretended to clean up paints or pull away laundry. He’d let her make certain he wasn’t being borderline suicidal because he was sure that’s what everyone else was worried about, like whenever Sam would magically drop in as if he was just passing through. He listened to her chat about a new exhibit that was at the museum because it was by some Russian artist, or about a thousand various other topics he couldn’t quite get himself into.

“I dropped by the bookstore.” She let out breezily, long painted fingernails delicately running over the curve of a vase, eyes watching to gauge his reaction.

“You mean you went to spy at the bookstore.” Steve supplies, finally putting away some of the books he’s given up on without turning around.

Dropping her act, she came in to stand next to him, leaning her back against the edge of the shelf, “I don’t think he’s done with you, just give him time to adjust. Besides, all this sad stuff isn’t really you, Steve. As much as I appreciate human body shields, please don’t get yourself killed. I like you and so does Barnes.” 

“Bucky hates me,” Steve let out, stopping himself because he didn’t want to go down that road. He shook his head instead, moving some books to a lower shelf to make room.

“Not from what I hear from a very reliable source.” She pushed off the corner and gave his arm a squeeze in farewell as she headed towards the elevator, tilting her head towards her shoulder, “You’re not the only one buying things before forgetting his boyfriend isn’t around.”

Steve watched after her as she stepped onto the car and smoothly turned, pressing a hand up against the doors to stop them from closing, “Also, word of advice? You were absolutely trying to be his Sugar Daddy, don’t do that. Just ask him instead of getting Tony to make you some fake government paperwork. Sure I invaded his privacy but I had vetoed the document idea when he brought it up.”

Screwing his face up in confusion, Steve stared at her to elaborate about the Daddy remark, “I asked Clint what that meant and he only laughed.” 

“That’s because you asked _Clint_ of all people. Do you really not know what that means? I thought you were the one saying you want to know everything about the twenty first century.”

Steve watched Natasha only frown at him when he couldn’t come up with a clear response and shook her head, stepping out of the elevator to pick up the Starkpad sitting on the side table and giving it a few taps and a type, holding it out for him. 

“Enjoy.”

Dubious, Steve made a face but slowly accepted the device, his eyes shifting to look down at some website called Urban Dictionary before he felt his face contort to something that even Natasha couldn’t keep a straight face for. “A man usually older and well-off who financially supports a younger woman or man in exchange for sex and companionship?! Natasha- ”

The elevator doors were finally able to make an an attempt to close again, Nat pulling herself together with a dangerous smirk, “Goodnight, Steve.”

He didn’t even know what to say, waving the device around as he struggled forming proper words and only watched her disappear behind sleek silver doors that hummed off and away, his eyes gone wide and he definitely did not expect sex in exchange for helping Bucky. However, the companionship part was sort of correct if he was being honest- _no_. This was definitely not the same thing.

*****

Not long after, a plus for Steve’s urgent need to find a distraction, a mini portal is opened. Some kind of tear he’s told and if they don’t get it closed, big grasshopper robot looking aliens with big ass ships will overrun them. He’s aware there’s a correct name for their kind, he doesn’t give a shit at this point though.

Steve does what he does best, the call goes out and he suits up. Shedding every ounce of self loathing and unhappiness he’s holding because people need his help and they decided to start their world domination on his home base here in New York.

Advantage: Avengers.

Faint explosions are already going off the moment they hit the streets, police creating barricades and evacuating civilians. Smoke and fires make it hard to navigate on the ground, Hulk and Thor try their hand at baseball with Mjolnir and green fists to steer alien speeders away from killing people. They really can’t avoid all the debris raining down and try their best to make sure civilians are keeping clear. 

It’s a ship that comes crashing down and straight into the bank of shops, unfortunately holding the bookstore he has close to his heart, that makes something snap in Steve. Natasha’s with him and her hand presses at his arm, twisting her body around to his front so she can lock eyes with him and bring him back.

“He’s not in there, Steve. It’s too early to be open and they evacuated this whole block, he’s not there.”

Still, he could have been and it’s what lingers as he fights harder than he even thought possible, pushing himself and working on getting the little one man riders down and systematically crashing their cluster of ships one by one. Behind them the city evacuates as quickly as they can and the team keep pushing on despite all the destruction.

He’s clearing another block on foot when he hears screaming in the distance not too far away and some of the alien beings cease their approach towards him to instead go for a group lingering in the line of fire. Him and his shield make quick work of them, re-routing the stragglers to get out another way now that their original path is blocked. Scott joins the fight at this point and helps lead the people out just as Steve turns to see a fiery wreckage of one last ship coming down with Thor at the top of it like he’s surfing the biggest wave and Hulk latched on to the tail back. It’s coming down too fast to steer into anywhere but buildings and Steve can only pray the people there have all cleared out.

It takes a few more seconds for him to realize why the pang in his chest is even more urgent about it than usual with situations like this and he realizes that’s the cluster with Bucky’s building. He’s moving even before he’s thinking, leaping over the wreckage of buildings, losing his footing a fraction of a second before he’s re-balanced himself when the ship collides with it and two others as well as some other structures around it. 

He can’t afford to stop running towards the blaze now, except someone comes up from behind him and grabs him up under armpits and suddenly he’s in the air, turning his head to see the face of Iron Man.

“Tony!” 

“Don’t thank me just yet, Spangles.” 

The trip ends up being almost seconds instead of minutes before he’s dropped down on the wreckage and Tony scans it for life signs, pointing towards a base of the structure, “There. A group of people huddled together, vitals are fine except for a few but the main thing is getting them out soon, there’s no ventilation.” 

Steve’s on it, trying to dig and paw his way through concrete and wiring, Thor arrives to lend a hand with Tony picking up bigger beams of steel. What should have taken _hours_ only ends up being much less time but Steve can feel his heart pounding in his chest like it was attempting to break out and get away from him. He wasn’t even sure if Bucky was in there, for all he knew, Bucky left for a trip and wasn’t even in town. He told Nastasha to stop keeping tabs on him and now he wasn’t sure what to think. The main thing he attempted to focus on was that there were civilians needing help and that’s what he was there for, soft sniffles and cries reaching his ears as he found the service entry door and wrenched it to open, finding the framing warped from the impact of the building.

The first thing he saw when he tried going past the dust was a trio of men holding up various types of weapons in an attempt to protect of the rest of the group, one in particular caught his attention because it wasn’t everyday he saw someone holding a shortsword out and ready to strike.

“Bucky?”

Blinking in confusion, Bucky stepped out towards the mouth of the doorway trying to get his bearings, “Steve? Where are the aliens?”

“Who gave you a Katzbalger?”

“Ugh, gross.” Tony retorted, as his faceplate slipped away, strolling past them to help out the rest of the group hiding in a huddled mass. 

Bucky peered down at the shortsword, voice wavering a little, “Uh, I collect weapons and I grabbed the easiest one.” He raises a brow, “I know how to handle it, even with only one arm.”

Lost in awe, his heart jackhammering away, Steve comes closer as he takes off his cowl with his free hand, carding his other through his sweaty and unruly hair, “I definitely know you can handle a sword one handed.”

“Again, I repeat. Gross. If you two don’t mind, people within earshot are currently trying to get over shock, thank you.” 

Steve moved out of the rubble, Bucky watching him carefully as he followed allowing for everyone to climb out faster. Bucky stared and Steve could only imagine how he looked in his suit compared to how Bucky had seem him over and over again when they would meet up, or even the last time they had spoken. He tried his best not to look imposing and larger than life for once when he didn’t need to.

“You’re hurt.” Bucky let out, worry lacing his voice as he reached over to the patch of torn fabric at his bicep only to find it sticky and tacky with blood but otherwise alright. “Oh.” 

Steve reached out and wrapped his hand around Bucky’s fingers, “I’m okay. I just wanted to make sure you were.”

Glancing away, Bucky tried to say something but ultimately did not.

“Buck, I- ” He didn’t know what to say, he just wanted to hold him.

Bucky shook his head, eyes tired and half in a daze as he turned to look at the mess behind him, “Shit, I just got that place so recently..”

He turned back and Steve smiled, crooked and silly as he felt butterflies in his stomach amongst all the chaos. “Sucks. Got a place you can stay?”

Bucky smiles back fondly, a twinkle in his eye despite there being a hint of shyness. “I don’t know. I had a Sugar Daddy taking care of me without my notice. I miss him a little..actually a lot.” 

“He- ” Steve didn’t mean to suddenly feel so choked up, swallowing down the surge of emotions trying to push up and he lets the straps of his cowl slip out from his fingers as he steps in closer, gently tugging Bucky to him and into his arms, hands feeling him out carefully just to make perfectly sure he was safe. “He misses the hell out of you too.” 

The Katzbalger falls to the ground with a loud clatter, the group cleared out as did Tony and Thor, sounds of lingering combat echo distantly around them but mostly over as the air smelled distinctly of smoke and ruined debris. A soft breeze blew past them and Bucky’s almost completely undone manbun lost the last bit of give, strands pushing against his face where there was a small cut across his cheekbone. Steve took the moment to brush his hair away and cup his jaw just to admire how beautiful he was. 

Bucky reached up as he stared back, blue grey’s fixated on his as fingers sank into Steve’s gross, greasy hair, “You need a shower, you stink really bad.” 

Steve lets out a soft huff of laughter, leaning in and pressing their foreheads together, a gesture that makes Bucky relax and close his eyes in contentment. “Move in with me.” 

They open in a minor amount of confusion and surprise, “Is this so you can ask me to join you in the shower because we don’t have to live together to do that.”

Letting out an undignified snort, Steve shakes his head, “I’ve wanted to ask you that the day we met.”

“You have weird priorities.” Bucky drapes his arm around Steve’s neck, “Shouldn’t you get to know me first?”

Steve refuses to drop his eyes, bumping their noses together affectionately, “I did get to know you, now I’m in love with you.” 

“I knew you were crazy.” Bucky observes and kisses him. 

Kissing Bucky was already one of his favourite things, being allowed to do it again was something akin to a perfect miracle.

“And yes,” Bucky let out against his lips when they took a moment to get some air back, “I’ll move in because watching you walk outta bed with nothin’ on is kind of a treat I wanna see every damn day.” 

Steve laughed, admiring how adorable Bucky looked not being able to hide the smile he had. They were together again and no way he was going to mess it up this time. He reached a hand down, giving Bucky’s ass a gentle squeeze, “I couldn’t have said it better myself and, I’m sorry for causing any deception. I never meant- ”

Bucky cut him off with a shake his head, stopping him from talking and leaning in to nuzzle his nose as he watched him fondly, “I know. It took some time to sort it out, and Jill yelling at me. And _man_ did she yell a lot, over and over again. You never seemed like the type to jerk people around or some sort of horrible person bent on ruining my life. Geez, you’re Cap for shit’s sake. America’s Golden Boy. I just got scared and upset, you were just Steve for me and I kept thinking you were too good to be true..” 

“I,” Bucky sucked in a small breath of air, nervous energy seemed to take over and Steve stroked his sides gently trying to ease him out of it. Their eyes met and a shy crooked smile appeared, bottom lip nervously being chewed at, “I fell really hard for you. You just kept showing up and making me feel things. You’re so kind and warm, you deal with my assholishness too because you’re kind of a dick yourself. I guess I’m just trying to say yeah me too, I sort of fell in love with you too, Steve.” 

Steve tried containing his elation, only holding Bucky’s frame closer to his, “Just sort of?”

“Yeah because this outfit here, _this_.” Bucky’s hand patting at his chest, “I need to adjust for, but please do crawl into bed any time you like with that on.” Steve chuckled as Bucky felt out his face, covered in soot and dirt, his thumb softly rubbing away a bit from the apple of his cheek, “God I’m a dumbass. Those nerdy glasses and grandpa sweater should have given you away but I just assumed you were some hipster idiot.”

Huffing out a laugh, Steve grinned before tugging Bucky in for another kiss, “Thanks.”

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr Masterpost](http://instagrims.tumblr.com/post/171983998327/title-you-make-me-feel-fic-by-kalika999) for all your reblogging needs or just to say hello!


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